Kevin sighed. It was a sigh that contained multitudes. The sigh of a man who had seen the seventh ring of tech support hell.
I hung up. I sat in the dark, the corpse of my ASUS Zephyrus glowing faintly under the light of my monitor. The warranty card sat beside it. It wasn't a promise. It was a maze. A beautiful, labyrinthine, legally-binding maze designed to protect the Minotaur, not the hero. my asus warranty
I found the card, tucked safely in the original box. 24 Months Premium Warranty. Accidental Damage Protection. I almost wept with relief. I had paid extra for this. I was a responsible consumer. I was covered . Kevin sighed
The screen flickered. A soft pop . Then, silence. I hung up
A wave of relief. I clicked "Submit Repair Request."
A week passed. I started dreaming of the laptop's glowing ROG logo. Then, another email. "We have determined that the liquid damage originated from the 'NumPad 7' key. This key is not covered under the Accidental Damage Protection rider, as Clause 14(b) states that 'coverage excludes incidents involving the fourth row of the alphanumeric keyboard during a lunar quarter.' Please provide a notarized affidavit confirming the coffee was consumed at a minimum distance of 18 inches from the device." I stared at the screen. A lunar quarter? I Googled it. It was a real thing.
"Sir," he said, "I can see your case. The system flags it because your sticky note in the video was green. The example photo shows a yellow sticky note. You will need to re-film the video."